Anthony Lee & Janice Kang - "Hey, Soul Sister"

asceticism

:describes a lifestyle characterized by abstinence from various sorts of worldly pleasures (usually to pursue religious or spiritual goals)

thats exactly how i feel this "vacation" is being 5,000 miles away from home. Yongin, Korea (1 hr south of Seoul) at my aunt's beautiful, countryside house with my aunt and her cook/maid making me BOMB, HEALTHY, NATURAL korean food. U really can't get fruit that tastes THIS good, anywhere else... definitely not the kind of vacation where im getting buck wild and eating out w/ friends w/ horrific amounts of alcohol. LOL

it's a new experience having a vacation where I can truly not worry, theres a state of calmness, simplicity, true relaxation, hakuna matata... i'm appreciating NOT working and understanding the meaning of "getting away from it all". THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED.

DAY 1: arrive to Korea
I literally watched 5 movies:
-Where the Wild Things Are (surprised me how well this film was made/storyline, loved the soundtrack, & the boy was perfectly casted)
-Law Abiding Citizen (have been wanting to see this! really loved gerard butler - hes growing on me, you should def watch The Ugly Truth)
-FAME (typical of a lot of dance/sing/performance type movies where the acting just doesnt suffice. had its cheesy, cliches but no doubt theyre talented!)
-All About Steve (i really dont like sandra bullock in these young/dorky roles like miss congeniality, but bradley cooper- hangover rockssss...)
-Fortune Salon (korean movie, eh.. love story. figures.)

My aunt picked me up & we went to eat cha-cha-myong.
all the seats were taken except a family of 3 who had 3 chairs open at their table.
So the waitress sat us at the family's table.
Forgot that only in Korea this would happen. ha

DAY 2: rest n relaxation
8:30AM - SAUNA. Felt exhilarating just to bare it all - not knowing anyone or caring about anything but just letting the stress melt with the steam. i left feeling 5 lbs lighter.. mentally.

Time to rest up for tomorrows surgery...Going to get lots of rest this week. and my body is finally happy.

DAY 1/40

Today, i start my journey deep within myself and in him to finding out my purpose.

first thing i read: It's not about you.



try to remind yourself each day that your purpose in life is far greater than YOU. sounds ironic to think that YOUR purpose has nothing to do with what YOU want, YOUR ambitions, YOUR career, or YOUR relationships. finding true self is about self-sacrifice and giving up those thoughts to really focus on GOD's plan. Reminding myself that even before i had these thoughts, even before i had my family, friends, or career, or was even born! - a purpose was already predetermined for me. So none of those 'little' things should matter in determining what i should DO with my life - as long as it is fulfilling the plan that GOD has already made for me.
I guess when it is put this way, things don't look so complex/cluttered. Its really just the simple bare truths that can help us make the hardest decisions in our lives...doing LESS in life- by focusing on what matters most.

so step one to know ur purpose: Ask God. Build a Relationship. Read his Wisdom.
"Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in Him." Colossians 1:16b


I wonder where i will be in a year from now...but whereever it is i hope that beyond the outside variables (work, family, boyfriend?, friends, health, dance, etc), I find confidence in who i am & have purpose in what i am doing. I know that i can achieve that because im at sucha lowly place right now - i havent felt this lost, confused, and insecure about myself in a long time. Its almost like UCI just masked it with such ecstacy and joy that i didn't ever feel that kinda pain as i do now...and the time is ticking for us....i guess instead of asking what do i want, it's what have you planned for me lord?

Redemption and Rebirth

I'm gaining back control of my life and starting fresh.
These times were needed for me to grow and learn from mistakes and boy, was i "grounded to sit and think about what i have done".

14 hours.


hahah i will laugh about it when im old and wrinkled how i used to be young and dumb. just as i had tearfully-laughed about it with my mother inside an elevator the next day.
but i don't regret it...

i am not ashamed about it, no. its made me so much more appreciative of everything i have in my life and what i want to aspire to be. Still figuring out what my end product will be but WHO THE F KNOWS THAT these days?

Everyones out there trying to find their purpose in life,
when all you have to do is find the bigger purpose in the
HERE AND NOW
and your 'purpose' will come to u.
_So just keep truckin' and do the things that make your life enJOYable.
_whatever we do with our lives, we should be asking ourselves if theres joy in it. if there isn't then you should be asking yourself how you can put some funk in it?

its funny how i blog on this lonely blog anytime im hitting a shitty stop in my life. somehow, i can always rely on you stupid blogger. BUT this time, its not about my confused state of mind or my lack of intuitive power to see black or white,
...because i can see a lot more clearly now (at least since my last post). Im finally giving back to myself - time, energy n thought. Something i've failed to do for so longg.
I NEEDED this & i need to dream big, take risks and keep focused..
I need to be comfortable, being uncomfortable.
i need to be patient & work hard,
to make my comeback.

Im gonna give this job EVERYTHING i can to squeeze as much out of it that i can gain...
im not a quitter, but that should never stop me from getting what i want.
As the words of Kelly, creator of 'Shoes' , "IM GONNA GET WHAT I WANT!"
_______with_confidence*



this is the time for a new era for moi
2010 will be a great year. . . icanfeelit


*j

lost and confused

i dont know how i got here. but im here. and i have no idea where im going. all i know is i need to make some change in my life or just make a decision or a mistake to just learn how i feel about how im living. God, i pray before you to help me find myself. because when i feel like ive finally grasped who i am, i lost it again. it feels like im back to where i was when i just ended high school, going into college. i had claimed that ive been changed thru college but how did i still end up back to square one again? feeling scared of all this uncertainty, hoping for the best- not in a good way, but giving myself false hope, and thinking that it WILL all work out for us. for me..? i need to make a change in my tracks now and be real with myself. its just figuring out what that means. i could write like this for hours but how am i supposed to write my paper - due tomm - on top of staffing a SPOP. worst timing ever. i must stop myself from this now so that i may resume my focus to school. on another note, im making cup ramen. somehow this is exactly what i need for such rough times.. its one with a post it on top that says "feel better! :) -sonia" She left this for me on my back patio on 7-17-09 (GO LIL janice lol) when i had one of the worst days of my life...interesting how ive subconsciously been keeping it in my room until i needed it and now, i REALLY need it. so thanks. u always know how to provide and when to be reliable. something that i truly admire and inspire to be...

im not much of a writer, i actually struggle writing anything. but i think this may help me through this year... im going to need it. eff using xanga, i need a fresh start... haha but in all honesty, ive never felt so ...not young =( ~if that makes any sense~ i feel like time went by so fast and ive always had things to look up to and now i feel like i'm looking down. maybe its pms, but ive been an emotional wreck. a complete roller coaster of extremes that i swear, i feel borderline bipolar. its all change. its hard to let go of what your used to and adjust your whole life to something new and different...its a growing process i guess. Everyone seems like their moving on so easily but i cant help but hold onto things. i like to keep old clothes, notes, stuff,.. its just how i am.

i feel like this happens every welcome week, but i get super emo for some reason...i remember the first welcome week i experienced i definitely had some fun but what i look back on the most is how i felt so down that it was ending and things were fizzing out. seeing all of our alumni and current dc members at the CADC party was a crazy feeling. flashbacks of all the memories that these people gave me, the stories they told, lessons they taught/learned, & DClove. what i take good pride in. theres nothing else that is this certain in my life than dc. this is going to be MY year. my team, my last. make it count, & just go. be with them.